I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
