Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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