I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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