so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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