even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
