I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
