dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
