I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize