so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
