Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
