checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
