you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
