i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
