I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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