this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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