she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
