im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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