Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
