Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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