one might say we're banned from that church
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
