We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
