I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
