Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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