I got chris browned last night
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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