I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
