when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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