WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
