birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
