Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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