No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Let's get the cat blown out
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
