I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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