Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
