maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
