you would pick up someone in the library
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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