Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
