Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
