You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize