Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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