The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
