dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
