when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My feet surprised me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
