I feel like abortions should bother me more
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
