Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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