$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
