Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
