dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
