Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
