If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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