Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
