My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Randomize
