I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
