new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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