How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
