Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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