There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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