i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
