awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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