I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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