I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
