I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
