I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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