I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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