Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
