the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
