1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
