What did we do last night that was yellow?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
